Auror Reports
by USAFSF
Summary: Aurors respond to many crimes these are the reports from responding officers. All suspects are considered innocent until proven guilty (unless Minister Fudge Bribes us) and must receive their day in court (again, unless Minister Fudges bribes us)...Read of our Excellent Incompetent Crime Solving Skills. Caution I have a very morbid sense of humor
1. Burn Baby Burn

Well I have been trying to make a long story but have I have found that I usually end up getting straight to the point. I know I have a good imagination but I can't put it down on paper (or type it in this case). I am used to doing reports and am unable to break from that habit. So to go with what I am used to this story is just going to be police reports that are either not connected at all or loosely connected and if anyone wants to write a scene based off of my reports just PM me and I will put it under my report and credit you for it or list it so others can read it. For your information I do not do slash at all and most of these are humor and may be a bit morbid.

For some reason my spell checker is marking all words as spelled wrong so I might miss spell a lot of words.

I do not own Harry Potter

Burn Baby Burn

Responding Auror: Kingsley Shacklebolt

Crime: Destruction Of private property, Arson, Assault

Suspects: Harry Potter

At 0305, I responded to a report that Malfoy Manor was on fire and that the owners were still inside the residence. I arrived on-scene at 0700 by aparation and found a badly burnt and beaten Lucius Malfoy and Draco Malfoy and a limping Narcissa Malfoy. I immediately went to Mrs. Malfoy to ensure she was not in need of medical assistance to which she declined. Upon questioning Mrs. Malfoy I was told that at 0200 she was soundly asleep until she heard sounds of screaming and the smell of smoke from down stairs and that she decided to leave the house and contact authorities from her good friend Junior Auror Harry Potters house. I was unable to determine what caused the 1 hour delay between heading to her going to Harry Potter's house and the delay as all she would do when asked is smile.

At 0815 I interrogated Draco and Lucius Malfoy about the events in question and was informed that at 0100 they saw someone looking a lot like Harry Potter sneaking into their house with a can that looked like gas and a crowbar. They then saw the person speaking to Narcissa Malfoy before he started pouring the fuel throughout the first floor of the manor. Mr Malfoy went to confront the man about the intrusion when he was promptly stunned along with his son. Both malfoys were shortly awoken and viciously assaulted by the individual until about 0200 in which the individual set the building on fire. Mr Malfoy then asked if the subject thought he could get away with this when the person claimed that he could because "I'm Harry Potter Bitch". After claiming to be Harry Potter he left both male Malfoys for dead.

At 0900 I called for a medi-wizard for Draco and Lucius Malfoy due to Draco slipping in and out of consciousness during the interrogation.

At 0915 I apparated to Mr. Potter's house to question him about the incident. He informed me that at 0100 he was too busy comforting his good Friend, Narcissa Malfoy, to have committed the crime and that he could not of done it anyway as his gas can is empty.

After questioning all involved in the incident I have determined that Harry Potter was not involved and that it was just a case of mistaken identity. And have issued a BOLO for a male with black hair, green eyes with round glasses that is not Harry Potter.

AN: Just to be sure you get the less obvious humor in this is that you should pay attention to the times as apparition is instant and that the medi-wizards were not called first.


	2. Extreme Stalking

I own nothing, not even the clothes I normally wear (They belong to the company I work for)

Extreme Stalking

Responding Auror: John Smith

Crime: Stalking

Suspect: Ginevra Weasley

At 1300 I responded to Diagon Alley for a report of Ginevra Weasley Stalking Harry Potter. I arrived on-scene at 1305 and immediately made contact with Mr. Potter and his fiance Fleur Delacour with my supervising officer Auror Shacklebolt apprehending Ms Weasley. After speaking with Mr. Potter and Ms. Delacour I found that Ms. Weasley has stalked Mr. Potter after she graduated Hogwarts constantly. I asked Mr. Potter if he has had any relationship with Ms. Weasley at all and he informed me he had sex with her a few times in school due to her being an "easy lay" 2 years ago but has not had or implied to have a relationship with her at any time. Mr. Potter also informed my that his house has been broken into and Items have been found missing after each time and he suspect her as she is his number one fan. I questioned him as to what Items were found missing and he informed me that several of his dirty boxers and used condoms have been taken. Ms. Delacour also put in that Ms. Weasley always glared at her and she found several threatening letters that she suspects Ms Weasley to have sent her.

After speaking to Mr. Potter as Ms. Delacour I decided to interrogate Ms. Weasley. She informed me that She and Mr. Potter were in a very serious relationship and were bound to be married soon, and that she would forgive Mr. Potter for cheating on her with Ms. Delacour for the last 2 years. She also wanted to tell Mr. Potter that she was pregnant with his kid. She handed me a healer's report that confirmed that she was pregnant and that the father was confirmed to be his. After arresting her we got a warrant to search her apartment.

At 1600 we arrived at Ms. Weasley's apartment to perform a search. Upon entering we immediately found a staggering amount of pictures with Mr. Potter in them with several having what looks like Ms. Delacours face cut out. We entered her bedroom and found dirty boxers pinned to the wall. I approached her desk and found a muggle newspaper clipping on artificial insemination, used condoms and a turkey baster. We determined that while the baby was his, he was not present for the conception of the child as he has not had physical contact with Ms. Weasley for over 2 years.


	3. Hermione's Books

I own nothing

Responding Auror: Kingsley Shacklebolt

Crime: Domestic Violence

Suspect: Hermione

At 0416 I was sent to the home of Hermione and Ronald Weasley. On the porch I found a tall redheaded male lying unconscious on the ground. As I approached I noticed that he was bleeding from the head and had bruises on any exposed skin ao I called for a medi-wizard. At 0418 Medi-wizard Johnson arrived to treat and transport the victim to St. Mungo's hospital.

I entered the home to interview the suspect Hermione Weasley and noticed that her hands were bruised and had blood on her shoes. When I asked her about the incident Mrs. H. Weasley immediately started to rant at me saying I was doing my job wrong. After about 15 minutes of her ranting i cast a silencing spell on her and waited for her to calm down. After I released the spell I was able to get her to tell me what was going on. She informed me that the person on the front porch was her husband, Ronald Weasley and that the injuries were caused in self defence. When I asked what he did to cause her to defend herself I was informed that he dropped one of her books and she had to defend said book from her husband. When I asked about the brutality of said defence I was informed that she would have stopped sooner but he got blood on one of her books. At 0430 I arrested Mrs. Hermione Weasley.

At 0515 I arrived at St. Mungo's Hospital to interview the victim of assault, Mr. Ronald Weasley. The Healers told me that he was awake and responsive and that I could speak to him as long as I kept him calm. I entered the room at 0518 sat down and opened my notebook when I noticed his gaze on my notebook with a look of terror. He immediately started to hyperventilate and mutter "sorry I didn't mean to do it sorry sorry please don't beat me no no." I decided that interviewing him was not a good idea at this time.

At 1400 I entered Mr. Weasley's Hospital room to try and get his statement and this time I left my notebook behind. He informed my that usually his wife Mrs. Weasley did not go that far in her "punishments" but that she beat him regularly for things like bending pages or placing the book in the wrong spot and that once he was threatened with a butcher's knife after he told her he could not afford the newest addition of Hogwarts a History. He said he would've left her already but she knew how to make his favorite food.

Mr. Weasley refused to press any charges so we reliced Mrs. Weasley at 0718. May whatever god he believes in have mercy on his soul.


	4. The Missing Mare and Bathroom Blunders

AN: ok this one could be a bit weird and disturbing due to the implied actions but still should not up the rating on this as it is nowhere near descriptive. Matter of fact I don't think I have seen a pairing like this. If I do need to up the rating please let me know as I feel it is borderline.

Responding Auror: Kingsley Shacklebolt

Incident: Missing Persons

Suspect: Unknown

At 2217 I was dispatched to the Forbidden Forest Centaur Herd for a report of a missing Centaur Mare. I arrived on scene at 2234 the previous night and spoke to the centaur Bane. After he finished insulting my species he informed me that his daughter, A 18 year old centaur named Feyal, was missing and has not been sean since 2315 last night. I investigated the area she was last seen in and found hoof prints leading South west. I managed to follow the hoof prints with Mr. Bane for 12 mile until we got to the town Hogsmeade. After we reached the town I started to investigate all of the local resident's yards to find if she went into one of the houses. In front of number 31 Main Street we located Ms. Feyal's Hoof prints and sent in a request for a warrant.

At 0315 we received our warrant and found out who the residence belonged to. 31 Main Street was registered to Harry Potter. With our warrant we breached through the front door. Once we entered we were able to hear a loud pounding and moaning coming from the den. Fearing that an attack was occurring we charged into the house's den and found that Mr. Potter was in the process of mounting Ms. Feyal. It took us 15 minutes to separate the 2 and it took 5 assisting officers to restrain Mr. Bane to keep him from assaulting Mr. Potter.

After asking Ms. Feyal about the events leading up to her encounter with Mr. Potter we were able to determine that it was consensual.

After further investigation it was found to be a case of mistaken identity to destroy Mr. Potter's spotless and respectful reputation so no charges were able to be filed.

Responding Auror: John Smith

Incident: Suicide

Victim: Draco Malfoy

At 0800 I responded to the home of Draco Malfoy after receiving reports of a foul smell coming from the residence. I arrived on-scene at 0815 and breached through the front door. Entering the bathroom I found the remains of Draco Malfoy sitting on the toilet with his throat cut open and his pants around his ankles.

After investigated the scene we found a knife with Harry Potter's fingerprints on it. Further looking we found Mr. Potter's prints throughout the entire crime scene and several black hares.

At 1000 we went to speak to Mr. Potter about why his prints and hair was at the scene of a brutal crime.

After speaking to Mr. Potter privately we were able to determine that Mr. Malfoy committed suicide due to being constipated.. All investigations ended and the case was sealed.


	5. A Nasty Curse

Responding Auror: Kingsley Shacklebolt

Crime: Prostitution

Suspect: Ginevra Weasley

After receiving several reports, I decided to investigate a case of prostitution happening on Hogwarts grounds. I arrived at the Headmistress's office at 1305 and spoke to headmistress Minerva McGonagall. After she berated me for not following up the crime weeks ago when she reported it and also failing to turn in a transfiguration assignment 18 years ago she lead me out into the grounds and towards the quidditch pitch. Once we arrived she pointed me to the male locker room that had 17 people in line. After speaking to the last person in the line who look exactly like Minister Fudge he said " I was just here to look I swear, I'm doing nothing but looking! Hey look Harry Potter is screwing a centaur!" I turned to look in the direction He pointed but only saw Mr. Potter leaving the Forbidden Forest Looking Disheveled, I obviously knew Mr. Potter wasn't breaking the law, because he is Harry Potter. I turned to say that to the man that looked like our beloved Minister but he used the distraction to disappear.

I skipped to the head of the line and looked in where I saw Mr. Weasley and her Brother in a compromising situation with each other. I cleared my throat to get there attention and when they looked at me I showed my badge causing Mr. Ronald Weasley to run away. Ms. Weasley turned and told me I can get an Auror discount and tried to get me to pay her 10 knuts.

I exited the Locker room 20 minutes later with Ms. Weasley In handcuffs. When we got to the interrogation room I asked her why she was prostituting herself out and she informed me that she was just practicing for when Mr. Potter would come to his senses and marry her, and that how else was a good looking girl like her supposed to make easy money for doing their hobby and that she made over 500 galleons for today alone. After booking her I went to St. Mungo's for treatment.

After getting treatment I proceeded to ask Mr. Potter if he had any intentions of marrying Ms. Weasley and his reply was to laugh and say no he was engaged to Ms. Fleur Delacour and that she was a kinky witch.

Report update… It has been 5 months since I received treatment and I still itch and it burns when I urinate.


	6. Sex and Spam

AN: ok this one is going to be a bit dirty if you are a pervert like me. Also if you want to see a specific report just PM me a scenario and I will attempt to write one. Please review and of course I don't own Harry Potter

Responding Auror: Kingsley Shacklebolt

Crime: FUI, Indecent Exposure, Violating The statute of Secrecy

Suspect: Harry Potter

At 1100 I was dispatched to a case of FUI ( Flying under the influence) and indecent Exposure and Violation of the statute of secrecy. I grabbed a broom then rushed out the office. At 1115 I returned to the office to return the janitor's broom then I grabbed the flying type. I apparated to the reported location then quickly mounted my broom. At 1145 The suspect passed by me so I kicked off to give chase. I stuck my wand in the air flashing the customary blue and red light trying to get the violator to halt.

I started to catch up to the violator around central London and quickly noticed that the suspect was male and that he was completely naked. Having gotten his attention after 10 miles he slowed down and tried to wave me to pass. After another 2 miles of pursuit he realised I was after him so he landed while smiling at me.

I approached the suspect and Identified myself as an Auror and Asked if he knew why I pulled him over. He quickly informed me he did not swing that way and that at least I had the body type to be a sucesfull striper. I informed Mr. Potter that I was not a striper and he was in serious trouble. While attempting to administer a breathalyzer test I told him to blow on my wand and in response he punched my in the face so I had to tell him I meant the wooden wand in my hand. After administering the test I found that he blew a 1.2 so he was over the limit of .08.

I questioned Mr. Potter why he was naked and was informed that he lost a bet with his fiancee, Ms. Fleur Delacour. I then questioned him about the Statute Of Secrecy violation and I was promptly informed it was the Weasley Twins Fault as they obviously slipped something in his whiskey.

I quickly Informed Mr. Potter that he just admitted to the drinking and flying charge. He said that alcohol and brooms go together like Spam and sex. Not wanting to contemplate that statement I issued him a ticket for the drunk flying and fined the Weasleys for all other charges.


	7. Forceful Penetration

A/N Hey folks I just got my first challenge by review. ElMarquis wanted me to write a report and here is the details. "What about Draco Malfoy found dead, having severely beaten himself before falling and impaling himself on the spire of the tallest tower of Hogwarts while his wife Astoria seeks the comfort of DADA Prof Potter?" That seems like it could be a lot of fun to write and I believe this could be my longest report yet, well fictional report that is, I once Had to make an official report that I rambled on and on about not knowing why I had to write it, I think I took 3 pages for that one! Just so you all remember, I don't own Harry Potter and please be sure to read and review and continue to give me great report Ideas!

Forceful Penetration

Responding Auror: Kingsley Shacklebolt

Crime: Lewd acts, Indecent exposure, Rape, Desecration of a Famous Object, Suicide, Suspected Pedophilia

Suspect: Draco Malfoy

At 1200 I was informed of a possible murder that took place at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. At 1205 I arrived on-scene and noticed a large crowd of students gathered by one of the windows on the seventh floor that looking towards the Astronomy tower. As I approached the group I overheard part of a conversation by a third year Gryffindor stating "someone trying to educate him by shoving knowledge up his ass". I dispersed the crowd and approached the window to start my investigation. Upon looking out the window I noticed that a nude individual was impaled on the a spire of the tower. I then went to get a broom so I can take a closer look at the body.

After I approached the body I noted that there were many cuts and bruises covering 90% of the body and that the spire was penetrating his anus and protruding 2 inches from his a good look at the bodie's face I was able to identify him as Lord Draco Malfoy. On observing the cuts and bruises I was able to tell that a blunt object had to have been used with great force. Having observed all I needed to I decided to ask around for witnesses and determine what an of age wizard with no connections to this institution was doing inside a school with so many young children.

As the scene was at the astronomy tower I decided I should pay a visit to the teacher Aurora Sinistra to see if she had any insight to the incident. I located her coming out of one of my colleagues rooms. My colleague Junior Auror Harry Potter was on special assignment to teach the course Defence against the dark Ms. Sinistra I noticed she was out of breath and breathing heavily. I asked her if she was alright and she told me she recently finished doing strenuous exercises. After confirming she was healthy I asked about the scene at her tower. She informed me all she knew was that Mr. Malfoy was arguing with his wife Astoria Malfoy because she wanted to get an apprenticeship with Mr. Potter so she could become a master of Combat Magic. Mr. Malfoy declined and threatened to dump her in a brothel so she replied she wanted a divorce. Ms. Senestra then saw Mrs. Malfoy running from the tower and followed to give the woman emotional support. I asked Ms Sinistra on where I can find Mrs. Malfoy and was told she was with Mr. Potter still getting comforted,

I dismissed Ms Sinestra and watched as she walked away, I overheard her murmuring about needing pain relievers and a cold shower after her vigorous round of comforting and for some reason she asked herself if she could get pregnant from her help. Not knowing why she would make those comments I turned and knocked on Mr. Potters door. I heard Mr. Potter yell out to hold on and I also heard a lot of rustling and a few comments like "No that's my underwear" and after about 5 minutes the door was opened by a sweaty and disheveled Harry Potter and behind him was an equally sweaty and disheveled Astoria Malfoy. I asked if I could enter to speak to them privately and was granted access. After I entered I noticed the room smelled like sex but know I had to be wrong due to Mrs. Malfoy being married and Mr. Potter engauged.

After Clearing my head I started asking Mrs. Malfoy what happened that might cause her husband's death. She confirmed that the argument took place and that immediately after she came to Mr. Potters room and that Ms. Sinestra joined in shortly after. I noticed her cheerful attitude and questioned her about it and was informed that Mr Potter and Professor Sinistra did a very good job and comforting her and I quote "comforted her brains out multiple times". Looking around the room I noticed that there was blood stained clothes and a bloody baseball bat lying on the floor in a corner. I asked Mrs. Malfoy if she or Mr. Potter murdered her husband but she denied it. She then informed me that Mr. Malfoy was a very sensitive man and was driven to tears when she asked for a divorce. She then told me that he was probably driven to punish himself at is failure and impotence and that he was such a drama queen that he would pick the slowest most painful and dramatic way to end himself.

I asked both Mr. Potter and Mrs. Malfoy about the bloody bat and clothes and was informed that the were from fighting a covon of vampiers and rescuing a prinssess from a place I have never heard of, can not spell and not find on any Mr. Potter is a Master of Battle Magic and Mrs. Malfoy his apprentice I could find no fault in their explanation. As they had a solid alibi I determined they were not in any way responsible for the death of the victim.

After detailed studying of my field notes in the crime scene I was able to determine that, Mr. Malfoy being so hart broken and despondent from his own actions punished himself by using a conjured bat to beat himself mercilessly and then climbed to the roof of the astronomy tower and slowly impaled himself through the rectum until he died of blood loss. I am still astounded that he chose a painful method as that and as I found no weapon on-scene it had to have dispelled. As I have concluded the investigation of the death I have no choice but to charge Mr. Malfoy posthumously for the offences of Lewd acts due to the use of the spire as a sexual object, Indecent exposure due to being naked at the time of death, Rape of the school building Hogwarts, Desecration of a Famous Object by staining the tower with blood and fecal matter, and Suicide. As we were unable to determine why a deviant such as Draco Malfoy was doing around under aged children while will keep the investigation of him being a suspected pedophil active until it is determined one way or the other.

A/N: So ElMarquis how do you like it, I just hope it was funny enough as I tried to put in as much comedy as possible


	8. That is Not a Toy

A/N Ok here is a request by KPRS Splicer and I get to use a words I really want to, autoerotique asphyxiation, that is a fun term to use! Well lets try it. Just so you know I still don't own Harry Potter (If you sue me all you would get is a dirty pair of boxers) and still want you to review and send in requests. Thanks and enjoy the new chapter.

That is Not a toy

Responding Auror: Kingsley Shacklebolt

Crime: Lewd acts, Indecent exposure

Suspect: Draco Malfoy, Gregory Goyle, Vincent Crabbe

At 0500 I was dispatched to the Leaky Cauldron for a report of dead bodies. I arrived on-scene at 0506 and made contact with the bartender Tom and his waitress Hannah Abbot. Ms Abbot lead me to room 13 and informed me that the bodies were in the closet.

Upon looking in the closet I saw 3 nude adult males that I could easily identify due to having to arrest them multiple times,Gregory Goyle Draco Malfoy and Vincent Crabbe. Mr Goyle and Mr. Malfoy were facing each other while Mr. Crabbe was Laying on Mr. Malfoy's Back.

Mr. Malfoy was wearing a well worn ball gag in his mouth with his hands tied above his head and what looked like a cord wrapped around his neck and both legs were showing signs of an obvious fracture. It also appeared that both shoulders were dislocated. Mr. Goyle and Crabbe both had marks around their wrists and several scratches covering there faces and their hair appears to have been lit on fire. As I did not feel qualified to continue the examination I contacted a coroner to perform an autopsy.

At 0540 the coroner Healer Brown arrived to inspect the bodies. The causes of death for Mr. Malfoy was listed as autoerotique asphyxiation and he shown signs of severe dehydration ligatures around his throat and wrists and both legs were broken and dislocated from blunt force. Mr. Malfoy's rectum shown an impressive amount of tearing showing that Mr. Crabbe and Goyle had to have been using teamwork.

Mr. Crabbe's Cause of death was shown to be caused by bleeding out from his own case of anal tearing. And Mr. Goyle's Cause of death was listed as dehydration and exertion.

Of note on all three subjects was that their blood work showed signs of imbalanced hormones and trace amounts of pheromones in there system at their time of death. At the present levels it is believed that the amount found in their bodies was only enough to slightly lower inhibitions. There was no spell residue or poisons found at the crime scene and in the building only rat poison was found stored in its proper place, above the stove next to the salt.

After gathering as much information at the scene of the incident I went to question the witnesses, Mr. Tom and Ms Hannah Abbott. Tom informed me that he only learned of the incident after Ms Abbott's scream interupted his masterbation ritual to create his secret sauce. Ms Abbott informed me that the last time she saw the victims was around 2315 when they were having dinner. She informed me that they abruptly stopped eating when they noticed Ms Delacour walk into the bar from Diagon Alley. Ms Delacour was wearing a tight leather dress with choker and leather high heeled boots. I was unable to gather more information from Ms. Abbot as she appeared to be blushing with a far off look on her face. I was unable to reacquire her attention so I decided to Head to Hogwarts to speak to Mr. Potter and his fiancee Ms Delacour.

At 1200 I arrived at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry and made my way up to Mr. Potter's private rooms. I paused at the door when I heard loud screams and moans coming from the other side of the door. I readied myself for a confrontation and breached the door. Once I was inside Mr. Potter's room I noticed Ms. Delacour in her leather outfit using a whip against the Arithmancy Professor Septima Vector. I was mid cast of the stunning spell when I was hit with a disarming spell from somewhere else in the room. I scanned the room for the additional threats when I noticed Mr. Potter sitting naked in a chair with what appears to be a naked seventh year Slytherin on his lap, I could tell by the green tie she was wearing. Around a round table was 3 more naked 7th years.

I asked Mr. Potter and Ms. Delacour if I could speak to them alone and the tree of us stepped out of the room. After noticing that Mr. Potter was still nude I requested that he go get dressed. After He arrived back 20 minutes later I started to question them about the Malfoy incident. Ms. Delacour confirmed that she did speak to Mr Malfoy and his "boy toys" at the Leakey Cauldron Last Night. Mr. Malfoy informed her that he would ruin her before Ms. Delacours could marry Mr. Potter. She decided to take the challenge and followed Malfoy Crabbe and Goyle up to room 13. She informed me that they immediately forgot about her. She stormed out the room and meet with Mr. Potter for some comforting, because she felt like she was no longer desirable. I decided I had enough evidence to clear Ms. Delacour of any wrongdoing and instead charged the decided Malfoy Crabbe and Goyle with lewd acts and an added charge of indecent exposure for mentally scaring Ms. Delacour.

Before dismissing Mr. Potter I had to ask what what going on with the 4 7th year students. He explained that he was giving them private training so would be prepared for the real world and have a marketable skill after graduation. I therefore recommend that Mr. Potter receive a special services medal for his dedication to see his students succeed.


	9. Updated Challenge

A/N: Ok, wow people are really enjoying Dominatrix Fler. I put that in the last story due to a spur of the moment thought that it would be hilarious, I guess I was right! I am still surprised that no one even mentioned Harry's 2nd who is an OC Centaur named Feyal who I hope to include in a future reports. In the next chapter I will post a character profile. Ok this request is from Scott the Wanderer and it is a very difficult one for me to write due to so many lued ideas that pop into my head, I am still trying to keep it rated T though for some reason I think I should up it to M.

I tried to buy Harry Potter with the pair of Dirty Boxers I listed in a previous chapter but they wouldn't go for it so, no I don't own Harry Potter. Please read and review and give suggestions on future reports.

No Ron Bashing today.

Responding Auror: Kingsley Shacklebolt

Crime: Lewd acts, Assault

Suspect: Fleur Delacour

At 1245 I was dispatched to the alley behind the Hog's Head in Hogsmeade for a report of a suspect lighting trash on fire. At 1250 I arrived on scene and noticed the fire was still burning. Seeing no other possible course of action I undid the fly of my pants and let loose a stream of personal fire suppressant. Unfortunately I accidentally let some flatulence slip past my iron control and the seat of my pants caught fire. I was able to quickly put the fire out buy draging my but along the urine soaked alley and contacted a healer to respond to patch up my anus.

At 1300 I Healer Halper arrived and began to treat my injuries. After treating me Healer Halper noticed that the bag of trash I attempted to put out was in fact a human being. Mr. Halper put the fire out using his wand, and why the hell didn't I think of that. As the water hit the body, what we thought of as a corpse started screaming. After extinguishing the fire it was decided to transport the victim to St. Mungo's for treatment.

At 0500 I arrived to St. Mungo's to interview the victim and entered the room he was assigned to. I looked at the chart at the foot of his bed and noticed his name was Rodger Davis. Looking further I read that he suffered from 3rd degree burns to most of his body that left permanent scarring, and a broken spine leading to paralysis from the waist down. Also Listed was that his wand, a 13 inch holly wand was inserted to the hilt inside his rectum and circumstances upon insertion had lead to the wand splintering causing a great deal of damage and pain while it was extracted. Noticing he was awake I began the interview.

I lit the candle in his room and immediately noticed his gaze was drawn to the fire, eyes wide and whimpering. Deciding to ignore it for the time being I started my questioning. He informed me that at 1200 He was enjoying a date with his betrothed, Cho Chang, when He noticed a woman approaching to speak to them. After the woman approached he noticed that it was his old date Fleur Delacour. He was unable to remember almost everything that happened after she got close enough to hold a conversation besides the fact that she was looking for a pet for her Fiance Harry Potter. Mr. Davis then remembers offering to be her pet. Next thing he could remember was excruciating pain and the smell of urine. I removed a well worn picture of Ms. Delacour (that I carry with me for professional reasons only i swear) and showed it to Mr Davis to verify that it was the lady in question. I had to immediately had to cover my ears as he started screaming as if the devil was after him. Recognising the symptoms of a run in with her bad side I was able to confirm he did indeed see Ms. Delacour so I quickly tried to leave to avoid being blamed for his mental scarring. As I left I overheard him muttering "sorry mistress Delacour" and rambling about never sleeping again. While leaving I overheard that Mr. Davis was being transported to the mental ward permanently.

To avoid waking Mistr… I mean Ms. Delacour at an indecent time I waited until 1200 to approach her while she was due to eat lunch in the great hall of Hogwarts. As I was walking into the hall I noticed Ms. Delacour walking to her seat wearing a short french maid's dress with a leash in her hand. After getting over her glorious outfit I noticed that attached to the leash was Ms. Chang wearing a pair of fox ears and a bushy fox tail poking out of a short skirt. I walked up to them to find the reasoning for the assault.

Ms. Delacour Informed me that while looking for the perfect pet for her fiancee she saw Ms. Chang and thought to ask her for a recommendation. After she got close to them and asked, Mr. Davis stated that he wanted to be her pet. Ms. Delacour fearing for her innocence decided to protect herself by lighting the victim on fire and shoving his wand in his "Natural holster" then she decided to stomp him with her high heels.

At 1300 I decided to clear Ms. Delacour of any wrongdoing before she got annoyed with me and quickly exit the area. As I was leaving I could hear her ask a newly arrived Harry Potter if he liked his new pet.

A/N: Now Scott the Wanderer decided to give his own challenge a shot and kindly let me post it under my report. So without further delay written below is Scott the Wanderer's take.

Pet Shopping

Responding Auror: Kingsley Shacklebolt

Crime: Assault, Arson and Homicide by Fire

Suspect: Fleur Delacour

At 1527, I responded to a report that Theodore Nott was savagely beaten and currently on fire in front of Florean Fortescue's. Allegedly Mr. Nott was attacked by Fleur Delacour, the fiancé of Harry Potter.

At 1541, I arrive on scene. My delay was due to stopping in the armor to retrieve a Muggle ABC Fire Extinguisher. I discharge the device spraying the still flaming Mr. Nott with the foam. After the canister is empty i am forced to smother the remaining flames with the empty cannister.

At 1602 Healer Abbott arrives on scene and performs a rudimentary examination. Mr. Nott is pronounced Dead on Scene. According to Healer Abbott, Mr. Nott had third degree burns over ninety percent of his body. However cause of death was asphyxiation when some of Muggle Fire Retardant foam entered his lungs. As per the Bloodline Preservation Act, Healer Abbott was going to remove his testes for stasis storage. Unfortunate said testes were burned then smashed, making them nonviable.

At 1629 I approach Fleur Delacour finding her in the company of Cho Chang who was the late Mr. Nott's contracted fiancé. As per Auror guidelines I questioned the ladies immediately.

Miss Delacour admits to savagely beating and then setting Mr. Nott on fire, however she claims it was self defense. According to Miss Delacour she was shopping for Mr. Potter's Anniversary gift. She claimed to want to get him a pet. She then saw Miss Chang and proceeded to speak with her about the gift. Miss Delacour claims that Mr. Nott became incensed at their conversation and proceeded attempt to curse her.

Miss Chang corroborated the story. She the added that after the assault the pair of them had comforted each other and then went collar shopping. Miss Chang the proceeded to show off a spiked collar with the tag: Harry's Pet. Both ladies wished me a good day and proceeded to search for a tail and ear to go with the collar.

Conclusion: It appears that Miss Delacour had acted in self defense. Theodore Nott has been posthumously charged with Assault and Littering. The required fines have already been collected from his Vault before Miss Chang claimed them.

A/N: I found his report writing more neat and orderly than mine, what do you think? They were both based off of the same act but have many differences. So reviewers please judge whose report is the funniest. If you want to know what the reports are based of of here is the challenge

"How about one where Cho Chang's fiancé is found suffering 3rd degree burns over 90% of his body? Investigators found Cho Chang being lead around on collar leash by Fleur. When questioned, Fleur responds that she as pet shopping for Harry when she came across Cho and started a conversation. For some reason Cho's fiancé took offense and Fleur was forced to defend herself. Cho corroborates the story, clearly upset that her contract fiancé was upset at Mistress Fleur's generous offer."

Review and let us know which one is better.


	10. A Nasty Curse 2

I bring you a new and unique and short chapter for Auror Reports. I would also like to say that something similar happened at my first base and definitely my squadron, and it took 3 weeks to find the person responsible. I don't own Harry Potter

Responding Healer : James Halper

Incident: Epidemic

Location : Magical Britain

At 1800 I was forced to issue a quarantine for the entirety of Magical Britain as more than 6000 people have come down with symptoms of HIV/AIDS, Hepatitis, Genital Warts Herpes, Gonorrhea, Chlamydia, and Syphilis. We at St. Mungo's have had to start an investigation into where the Symptoms began by tracking who have had sexual relations with who.

After about 10 hour of investigation we have found 2 people that had to have close contact with the source of outbreak, Auror Kingsley Shacklebolt and Mr. Ronald Weasley. I first asked Mr. weasley into my office but was unable to get anything out of him so I asked Mr. Shacklebolt to enter. I asked Mr. Shacklebolt for a list of people he has had sexual relations with and saw a name that was listed by many other people, Ginevra Weasley.

I quickly responded to the burrow in full Hazmat suit to interview Ms. Weasley. I obtained a medical scan of her and realised that she was the cause of all the diseases running rampant in England. Having no choice I quarantined the Area and forced a ministry approved chastity belt on the woman. I felt it was my duty to ensure she could no longer spread disease in the streets of the world.

Having found the source of disease and preventing said source from spreading it further we have began the clean up and cure of all affected individuals and is expected to take up to 10 years to completely eradicate the outbreak.


	11. Resurrected Love

A/N: Sorry for the delay but I started watching the anime Steins Gate. It is pretty good even if I still don't know what the hell is going on in it.

I have a co worker that is so religious that she tries to push it off on everyone and finds it offensive that we are not all as religious as her. I am one of the few people she will not try that on. When some other coworkers asked how I accomplished that I informed them that I told her I was a Satan worshipper. While I do not worship satan or anyone really I claim it when dealing with her, but I will never claim to own Harry Potter. If I owned Harry Potter Ron and Hermione would have committed suicide in their first year and Harry would be a badass

Resurrected Love

By request of ElMarquis

Responding Auror: Kingsley Shacklebolt

Crime: Necromancy, Murder, Cruel and Unusual Punishment, Theft of Livestock, Excessive

Noise, Murder, Misuse of a Muggle Tool

Suspect: Harry Potter, Fleur Delacour, Morgana Le Fay (RESURRECTED), Mr. Tickles

At 0300 I was alerted by our Dark Magic Detector that there was a large build up of dark magic that resembled a resurrection ritual taking place in Godric's Hollow.. I quickly mounted my broom to rush to the scene. At 0320 I woke up in St. Mungo's hospital and have been treated for a head injury. I quickly decided that I should wait to exit the building before flying so I do not hit the ceiling again.

At 0325 I exited St. Mungo's, mounted my broom and raced to the scene. I arrived at Hogsmeade at 0407 and made my way to one of the Potter's residences. As I got to Mr. Potter's house I quickly realised that I was supposed to go to Godric's Hollow not Hogsmeade so I remounted my broom and headed to the right location.

At 0500 I arrived at Godric's Hollow and made my way to Mr. Potter's cottage. As I got to the door I noticed a chilling Sight. On Mr. Potter's front porch were 2 bodies missing there lower jaw and a chainsaw shoved down what was left of their throat with blood running down the front of there shirts. I carefully approached the bodies as I could hear the chainsaws still running and checked their pockets for IDs and to make sure any gold they had did not go to waist. Finding their wallets I was able to determine that they were what was left of Gregory Goyle and Vincent Crabbe. After shutting the bloody chainsaws off I could hear screaming coming from the livingroom of the house.

I quickly tried to forcibly breach the front door but unfortunately the door was to solid causing me to dislocate my shoulder. After patching up my shoulder I tried to open the door using the doorknob. I found the door was unlocked so I made entry. In the living room I noticed a screaming and crying Draco Malfoy nude and being mounted and "Breached" from behind by a goat. Also In the room was Ms. Fleur Delacour Holding a chainsaw approaching Mr. Malfoy.

Before I could stop her, Ms. Delecour slowly inserted the chainsaw into Mr. Malfoy's mouth while telling him " Come on I know you are a professional "Sword swallower" heaven knows you chase after Harry's sword all the time you can do it". Unfortunately I was unable to save Mr. Malfoy but I will not rest until I bring his murder to justice.

Ms. Delacour upon seeing me let go of the chainsaw and smiled at me. I decided that while she was calm I could get answers out of her. I asked her why she killed Mr. Malfoy and was informed that at 0200 Mr. Malfoy broke into their house with Mr. Tickle, one of Aberforth Dumbledore's goats, and started a resurrection ritual. He then proceeded to sacrifice his boyfriends, Mr. Goyle and Mr. Crabbe, and then placed the imperious curse on her. After being imperioed by Mr. Malfoy he then striped nude and got on his hands and knees in front of the goat and proceed to do indecent acts in front of her. She informed me that that wint on until after I entered the room and she was forced by curse to kill him. Ms. Delacour then told me that the individual summoned was Morgana Le Fay and Le Fay was currently attacking Mr. Potter.

After casting the cleaning spell on the backside of my pants I approached the bedroom door and held to see if I could hear anything. Through the door I could hear a male voice identifiable as Mr. Potter Screaming and grunting "REPENT" multiple times until I heard him moan and heard a female voice scream. Mr. Potter came to the door smoking a cigarette and informed me that Ms. Le Fay will never be a problem again.

In conclusion I have determined that Mr. Malfoy was responsible for all acts and recommend that his vault be used in the therapy Ms. Delacour will need after that horrible witnessing and being forced to participate in that horrible ordeal, and the therapy needed for the goat to get over this newest trauma as belonging to Mr. Dumbledore is enough of a tramma already. I also recommend Mr. Potter for an Order of Merlin 1st class for defending our world once again from evil.


	12. Not Again

A/N: Ok I got a new one for you and I will also put in my obligatory HP/DM parring in the bottom, be warned that it will be full of my sick sense of humor and short. Please Read And Review, and if you want to, send me an Idea for a report.I do not own Harry Potter

A\N 2: I went back and edited the last chapter due to the timing error that was pointed out to me.

Responding Auror: Kingsley Shacklebolt

Crime: Rape, Indecent Exposure, Indecent Acts

Suspect: INMATE 610256478 ( Draco Malfoy)

At 2002, I was dispatched to Azkaban Prison, for a report of rape that was committed by Inmate 610256478, Draco Malfoy. Inmate Malfoy was sentenced to 10 years maximum security for the crimes of Being a member of a terrorist organization ( Death Eaters), Rape of Mr. Dumbledore's Goat Mr. Tickles, Rape of Mr. Hagrid's dog Fang, Rape of the entire Acromantula colony in the Forbidden Forest, Rape of a male Dragon, the stalking of Harry Potter, and Prostitution.

At 2030 I arrived at the prison and was lead up to Inmate Malfoy's cell. Looking in the adjacent cells I noticed Inmate R. Weasley was looking into Inmate Malfoy's cell barfing, and then eating said barf. The cell next to Inmate Malfoy was occupied by Inmate Albus Dumbledore who was looking at the Malfoy's cell Obviously aroused and on the other side was Inmate Snape who appeared to be vigurously masterbating. After casting a severing charm on Inmate Snape's Penis as a warning I approached Inmate Malfoy's cell.

As I looked in on the cell I noticed Malfoy with his pants around his ankles, being bent over his full unflushed toilet with a dementor behind him performing the act of anal sex. I noticed that Inmate Malfoy's head was pushed into the bowl of the toilet with each dementor thrust, with excrement dripping from his hair. I quickly turned around to give them some privacy and heard inmate Malfoy's moans of pain as he wailed " Not again, please no, the dragon was bad enough."

After 15 minutes the dementor finally finished, I approached the inmate to inform him of his newest crime. He of course denied the crime saying that he was the one being raped and that Mr. Potter and his fiance Ms. Delacour forced all the other animals to rape him but I know that Mr. Potter is the leader of the light and would never do such a thing and he would never marry a woman that would allow that to occur despite Ms. Delacour's habit of wearing tight leather military style outfits, spiked choker and carrying a whip.

Draco's Operation

A/N: Had to update this chapter due to the 2 stories not being separated.

It was the middle of Harry's 5th year when an unexpected visit by his least favorite person occurred. Draco Malfoy and Harry stared into each other's eyes before Draco leaned in to steal a kiss. Before he could collect Harry gave him a right cross.

"Damn, Potter can't you see we were meant to be together, I mean we have been having a lover's spat since we met each other."

"But Malfoy, I am not gay" Harry replied fearfully, he was not expecting Draco to come onto him like that.

"Yous have never tried, come on I know you want to" Draco replied tearfully

"Ok, you want to try, I am willing" said Harry getting an evil gleam in his eyes as he started reaching into his pocket.

Malfoy seeing the look in Harry's eyes started backing away slowly, afraid of the look. He wet himself a little when Harry pulled out a knife. Malfoy gave up being slow when Potter got a dangerous smile and took off down the hall.

"I thought you wanted to be with me Dracypoo, The only way we can do that is if I castrate you! Come on you already look like a girl, why not let me cut your dick off and complete the transformation."

Harry Watched Malfoy run off and started laughing. "Like I would ever even consider going out with a guy" Harry muttered to himself as he continued to the owlery to send a letter to his girlfriend Fleur Delacour.

A/N: that is probably as close as I get to writing a slash fic. I can't even stand reading them as I believe in don't ask don't tell and I don't like PDA.


	13. Time Turned Death

A/N: Ok here is the next report asked for by KPRS Splicer. I must warn you this is sicker than normal so enjoy. I don't own Harry Potter, and as always Read and review.

Responding Auror: Kingsley Shacklebolt

Crime: Murder, Cruel and unusual punishment

Suspect: Harry Potter, Fleur Delacour, Morgana Le Fay

At 0700 I was dispatched to number 4 Privet Drive for reports of magic use in a muggle area, I arrived at 0740 and noticed the front door was ajar so I made entry. Upon entry I noticed a foul smell coming from near the stairwell. Investigating further I found the source of the odor emanating from a small locked cupboard. I unlocked and opened the cupboard door and immediately found 3 nude dead bodies, 1 older adult male with a younger looking male's head inserted into his anus, and one older female with her head inserted into the younger male's anus I decided to contact the coroner due to not being paid enough to remove them myself.

At 0730 the coroner arrived and removed the bodies from the closet I noticed that there were 2 extremely obese male bodies and one thin female. I was able to identify that the older male was Vernon Dursley, but was unable to identify the others due to the position they were tuck in but I was assuming that the other 2 were Dudley Dursley and Petunia Dursley.

The coroner informed me that scans of the bodies for foreign magic showed that both male Dursley's had a slight expansion charm applied to their rectum and that there was a sticking charm placed on Dudley and Petunia Dursley's head to keep them lodged in their position. I was informed that the expansion charms were not strong enough to expand both rectums so the insertion of the heads had to be painful. The causes of death were reported as suffocation for Petunia and Dudley, and a heart attack from Vernon Dursley.

With the examination of the bodies complete I turned to the scene to try and find clues as to who the murderers are and I hit the jackpot in the kitchen. On the walls I noticed graffiti, more specifically I noticed one that said "FD HP ML Wuz Here" and as this was Mr. Harry Potter's former address I believed that he and his little family was now the Prime Suspects. On the counter I noticed that there was a video playing on loop, Something titled "2 Girls 1 Cup" wondering what that was about I started to watch. Within 5 minutes I was throwing up all over the kitchen and decided that Mr. Potter and friends needed to be brought to justice hard. I left the residence to hunt down the suspects.

At 0945 I arrived at the Potter's Hogsmeade home and started to approach the front door. While walking down the main path I noticed 2 people outside the house peering into the Potter's Livingroom window. I quietly snuck behind them and listened to their quiet discussion and record it using a dictation quill.

"How dare Potter Steal my women" Bill Weasley

"That slut never wanted anything to do with you Bill" Ginevra Weasley

"Shut up Ginny, we work together at Gringotts how could she resist wanting me" Bill Weasley

"I've tried you out Bill and you are not that good in bed" Genevra

" Well it looks like Potter prefers her than someone with your experience gin" Bill Weasley

"I will kill that bird and piss on her grave, why didn't the love potion I used on Potter work I even used some of my pubic hair to make it as strong as possible" Ginevra Weasley

"Mabee the crabs ruined it, I am still pissed you gave them to me" Bill Weasley

"Hey I gave you a family discount, I still charge Ron full price" Ginevra Weasley

"So how are you enjoying your new chastity belt Ginny, I guess that after killing dad with your syphilis they didn't want you to spread your diseases anymore" Bill Weasley

"I blame Shacklebolt, it was after him when they ruined my job" Ginevra Weasley

Deciding I heard enough I announced myself which caused Bill Weasley to let out a high pitched scream similar to that of a prepubescent girl. I quickly dove to the side just in time as a blasting hex shattered the window and hit Mr. Weasley in the face, completely removing his head and covering Ms. Weasley in her brother's blood. As I was standing back up I heard a comment from inside made Ms. Delacour "Aww Ginny is covered in her brother's bodily fluids again, at least it is only his blood this time".

I figured that now was as good as anytime to question them about the crime. Mr. Potter informed me that he had nothing to do with the incident at 4 Privet Drive and that he was too busy having an orgy with Ms. Delacour and Ms. Le Fay and was in his bedroom the entire time. When asked if there was any witnesses to corroborate his story he told me to ask Ms. Weasley as she was looking into the bedroom window the entire time. When asked Ms. Weasley did confirm that they did not leave the bedroom and the only thing off she found was when he played with an old necklace on the night stand. I informed him of the evidence and he stated once again he had nothing to do with the murder and said the only way it would be possible was if he had a time turner.

I quickly arrested Ms. Weasley for stalking and went to the Department of Mysteries to find if Mr. Potter was issued a time turner. Upon speaking to an unspeakable I was informed that beyond the 32 missing time turners, he was not issued one so I decided to return to the scene of the crime to look at the evidence again.

As I entered the kitchen I was disappointed to note that my vomit earlier destroyed all of the available evidence and was forced to conclude that the Dursley family's death was accidental, caused by some weird sex game.


	14. Help Me

A/N: Ok folks this is a short one and once again is KPRS Splicer's Idea. I hope you all enjoy read and review, and send me Ideas. I do not own Harry Potter and I am sure Mr. Shacklebolt is pleased by that.

Responding Auror: Kingsley Shacklebolt

Crime: Murder, Cruel and unusual punishment, Use of a Dark Binding Ritual, Resurrection

Suspect: Harry Potter, Fleur Delacour, Morgana Le Fay

At 0300 I received an alert from my dark magic detector that multiple Dark Rituals were taking place at the Potter residence in Hogsmeade. The readings were consistent with 4 Resurrection and 3 Sacrificial Slave Binding rituals. I apparated to the location at 0315 and made my way to the front door. After I remembered what happened last time I tried to force the door I decided to try the handle to see if it was locked. After determining the door was locked I backed away so I can ram it. As I reached the door at speed Ms. Fleur delacour opened it and I flew past her and ran head first into the hallway wall.

At 0400 I awoke on Mr. Potter's couch with a severe headache and slight concussion. I sat up and informed Mr. Potter why I was there and was shocked that he admitted to the crimes. He informed me that he sacrificed a feret's soul to resurrect Mr. Malfoy into said ferret's body where he then sacrificed the feret with human soul to resurrect Mrs. Bellatrix Lestrange. Mr. Potter then sacrificed another feret's soul to resurrect Mr. Malfoy again to use as a sacrifice to bind Mrs. Lestrange as a slave. After resurrecting the ferret again he sacrificed it multiple times to consensually bind Mrs. Narcissa Malfoy and Mrs. Andromeda Tonks as Ms. Delacours pets. When Questioning Mr. Potter why he was giving Ms. Delacour pets I was informed that it was a reward for helping him "exorcise" the evil out of Ms. Morgane Le Fay.

I heard a small squeak from behind me and turned to face the noise I was surprised to see a ferret sitting on the back of the couch. I was even more shocked when it squeaked in a human sounding voice pleading "help me, don't let them kill me again." I was so shocked I cast a blasting curse at it which completely pulverised the body which apparently Ms. Delacour found amusing going by her laughing.

I informed Mr. Potter that he was under arrest for Murder, Cruel and unusual punishment, Use of a Dark Binding Ritual, Resurrection. I was surprised he did not appear concerned and asked him about it. He told me that there was no law about sacrificing an animal, and that Mr. Malfoy and Mrs. Lestrange was classified as dead so they were not covered by the law. He also told me that as I have also murdered Mr. Malfoy that I would have to charge myself with murder. I decided that Mr. Potter was correct and that he and I broke no laws that night as I do not want to go to prison as they will use my perfect ass currency.

 _ **END**_

A/N: Now I think I will include a little bio for one of the main characters in my story so you can understand some of my reports better. While most of the reports are not connected the behavior of my version of the characters are the same, and if you have further questions just ask me. And if you can't tell I really like taboo relationships as there is room to gross people out or insert a lot of humor.

Fleur Delacour: She is a kinky woman who is eventually going to marry Harry Potter. She is Bisexual with a heavy leaning to woman and most men she can't stand. She is not a dominatrix, it is just a kink she is trying she is marrying Harry partly to cover her leanings she is still in love with him but she wants to sleep with other girls and is more that willing to let Harry join in on the fun. She is a dark witch and enjoys turning into her angry bird form in the bedroom.


	15. A Nasty Mouthful

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

 **A Nasty Mouthful**

Responding Auror: Kingsley Shacklebolt

Crime: Drunk in Public, Defecation in Public, Desecration of a Grave/Tomb

Suspects: Harry Potter, Fleur Delacour, Feyal

At 2037 I was dispatched to Hogwarts for a case of being drunk in public, defecation in public and the desecration of a grave. I arrived on-scene at 2052 and noticed that all three suspects were still at the scene of their crime engageing in vigourus intercorse ontop of the grave of Albus Dumbledore. I approached the suspects and was able to identify all three due to previous encounters with myself in an official capacity. The three suspects were Harry Potter, Fleur Delacour, and Feyal, a centaur that lives within the Forbidden Forest. I decided to calmly wait for the tree to finish fornicating on top of the tomb. After about an hour of waiting they finally finished so I approached to question them.

I asked them why they were having sexual intercorse on top of Mr. Dumbledore's grave and was informed that it was a very comfortable spot to have sex, because Mr. Potter wanted to rub the fact that Dumbledore was unable to "get some" and that it seemed like a good idea at the time and I noticed a strong smell of alcohol coming from a three of them. I decided to detain them as I searched for more evidence.

I carefully inspected the tomb and noticed several puddles of ejaculate on the service and upon further inspection I found signs that the tomb has recently been opened. I cast the levitation charm on the top, so I could look inside and was so shocked I accidently released the charm which cased the top to fall and crush the skull of Mr. Dumbledore and slashed a brown substance that smelled suspiciously like feces over my face and robes, and some got into my mouth, and I noticed it was still warm. I re-levitated the top off and placed it to the side so I could continue the investigation.

After removing the top of the tomb I peared in and was shacked at what I observed. Mr. Dumbledore's corpse was covered from head to toe in feces to the point that it was almost overflowing out of the tomb. I stepped back when I heard a screech coming from the direction of the forest and observed a white bird approaching at a high rate of spread. When it reached the tomb it pulled up and I noticed that it released its bowels. I watched as the owl droppings fell from the sky and saw it impact dead center of Mr. Dumbledore's forehead. I was able to identify the owl as Hedwig, Mr. Potter's pet owl. I quickly sealed the tomb to prevent further desecration and turned to where I left the detained trio and was surprised to see them missing.

As the closest Potter residence was in Hogsmeade, I decided to check there first. I knocked on the door and It was answered almost immediately by Mr. Potter with Ms. Delacour, and Ms. Feyal where in the background watching me with amusement in their eyes. I asked why they escaped from their detainment and was informed that they had no idea to what I was talking about. I informed them of the crime I witnessed them commit and was told by Mr. Potter"I would never do that to the great honorable Headmaster Dumbledore sir's grave, never" with him using a high pitched voice. I assumed it was a joke as Ms. Delacour and Ms. Feyal started laughing soon after he said it. I informed them that they were under arrest and that they had to come with me. I was shocked when Ms. Delacour stated that they were under the imperius curse, so per Minister Fudge's policy I had no choice but to give Mr. Potter a bill from the Reelect Fudge Fund and drop all charges.


	16. Potions Disaster

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

A/N: I just need to point out that rape is bad and what is discussed in this fictional writing in real life would be considered illegal and you can be prosecuted for it. On another note, what Is green with Front towards Enemy on it? The answer is a claymore mine and they are nasty and should never be used as lawn ornaments as it could kill you and others and is also Illegal. Maybe rednecks are the only exception to that ornament thing but i doubt it. Please read and review, also if you want to see a specific report then let me know and I will try to write it.

Responding Auror: Kingsley Shacklebolt

Crime: Attempted Line Theft, Assault on an Officer of the Law

Suspects: Molly Weasley

At 1015 I was dispatched to the Burrow in Ottery St. Catchpole, for reports of rape. I arrived on-scene at 1100 and approached the house passing several little cute green lawn ornaments that had the words FRONT TOWARDS ENEMY written on it and wires trailing out of them. I made it to the door and entered to locate the crime in progress. I found Mrs. Molly Weasley laying on her back nude with hands bound above her head and legs spread with a House elf that I identified as Kreacher laying on top of her humping away. I quickly realised I was interrupting a private moment for them so I turned around and waited for them to finnish.

At 1145 the couple finally came to a stop so I approached them to find out why someone claimed a rape was going on, as I reached them I noticed Kreacher pop out. Mrs. Weasley started screeching about me saying I should have stopped that beast when I first arrived, as her voice was hurting my ears I quickly silenced her. She continued her rant appearing to not of noticed that I silenced her for 15. As this interview was already taking longer than I was willing to tolerate, I administered a right cross to her face, unfortunately I accidently knocked her out.

As she was unconscious I proceeded to take pictures of the crime scene focusing primarily on the victim's nude body, for evidence of course, and then helped myself to some food on the table. Once I ate the brownies that were supposed to go to Mr. Harry Potter, I surprisingly found myself attracted to Mrs. Weasley. I stripped down and proceded to have sexual intercorse with Mrs. Weasleys unconscious body, after I finished I realised what I just did so I quickly redressed and decided that as she was not conscious to protest against the sex then I would consider it consensual and not bring it up once she regained awareness.

Shortly after I finished dressing she woke up and I began the interrogation. She informed me that shortly after she sent some special made cookies to Mr. Potter, his house elf, Kreacher showed up and tied her up. Kreacher then began ranting about how he loved the "Blood Traitor Weasel" and that he would show her how much he loved her. Kreacher then began stripping Mrs. Weasley, took off his dirty tea towel and began to vigorously rape her nonstop. I asked who reported it the aurors and she said is was her son Mr. Ronald Weasley who reported it after watching the rape occur for 20 minutes.

Deciding I had enough of Mrs. Weasley, I proceeded to make my way to number 12 grimmauld place to speak to Mr. Potter. I knocked on the door and waited for a few minutes until Ms. Fleur Delacour, wearing a short French Maid's outfit with cat ears and tail, I stared for a few minutes and took a few pictures of Ms. Delacour's newest kink before asking to speak to Mr. Potter and his elf Kreacher. She lead me into the kitchen where Mr. Potter was sitting and Kreacher was in the background cleaning what looked like dildoes, I informed Mr. Potter why I was there and Began the interview.

Mr. Potter informed me that after he received the cookies from Mrs. Weasley that he did his standard check to see if they were potioned or poisoned by having Kreacher taste them first. After Kreacher ate a cookie he started saying he loved "Blood Traitor Weasel" and immediately popped out of the room, with Mr. Potter not knowing where he disappeared to. As Kreacher was obvious affected by something in the cookies Mr. Potter immediately started casting diagnosing charms on the food with it coming up positive for Love, Fertility, Lust, and Stamina potion, I cast the same diagnosing charms on the left over cookies and confirmed his results.

Having finished interviewing Mr. Potter I decided I had enough evidence to arrest Mrs. Weasley for Attempted Line Theft so I made my way back to the Burrow, As I informed Mrs. Weasley that she was to be considered under arrest she started to screech at me again. My ears hurting again and getting a headache I silenced her then knocked her out with a left hook to her head, I then added Assault on an Officer of the Law to her charges due to my headache and her voice hurting my ears. I then hauled he off to the jail and recommended to the jailors that they go to the armory to check out a ball gag for the suspect.

Report Update: It has been 4 months since Mrs. Weasley has been arrested and she has been diagnosed as pregnant, I hope that it is not mine, and also after being cured from my contact with Ms. Ginevra Weasley, my crotch has started to itch, I have developed rashes and it hurts when I urinate, I guess she is exactly like her daughter.


End file.
